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Becoming Content

After Wendy went home to heaven, the hole in my heart felt like it would never go away. The pain would never go away. I felt like I needed to do something to get rid of it, that I needed to be fixed.

I thought to myself, "If only I had another baby, I would be fixed. Only then, my life would be perfect."

Soon after Wendy, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Every night I would soak my pillow with tears while I pleaded with the Lord to give me another child. The lie I told myself was if only I had another baby, I would be fixed.

This lasted for months. Every time I didn't get my prayers answered I would mourn all over again. It was a vicious and painful cycle that I created. Believing this lie, that if only this would happen, then my life would be fixed. Believing that I had the power to remove the pain. It wasn't the prayer that hurt me but the lie. Directing my faith towards myself and not God.

My relationship with the Lord grew smaller while that lie grew bigger.

Only till a little bit ago, something kind of clicked in my head. I realized that God wants me here for a reason. This loss and pain is not in vain, but it's for a reason. God is refining me. Right here, right now, He is building me and molding me into the woman of God He needs me to be. What His plan holds, I do not know, but what I am certain is that He has me right where He wants me. The loss of my daughter was not a surprise to Him. He knew about her from the beginning of time. Wendy's life and her legacy was part of His plan.

Who am I to doubt. Who am I to deny or discredit.

Who am I wanting to "fix" something I don't like in my life and try to make it go away.

Prayer was not the issue. Thinking that, "If only this would happen my life, only then I would be fixed." was the issue. I was taking away the ability for God to move, discrediting what He has planned, shifting my faith into myself rather than outwardly towards my God.

The season that you're in right now is happening for a reason. We live in a world with instant gratification, Amazon Prime status. But, God doesn't work like that. We have a part in His plan. And, every single trial, test, and storm that we face holds a place in His plan. They are to mold us into the children who stand strong through the storm, who hold firm to His truth, and give glory to God through all things.

I don't know when we'll have another baby, or even if that's a part of God's plan. But, what I do know is that whatever happens I am content in where God has me. He's shaping me, and I'm OK with that. Right here, right now, I am thankful for what God has done in my family. I am grateful for the work He is doing in and through me.

It is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives within me.

#childloss #grief #newbornloss #bereaved #anencephaly #pregnancyloss #bereavedmother